457: Spain, Panini UEFA Euro 2020 Official Licensed Sticker Album, Tournament Edition

Merry Christmas! We hope you’re having a wonderful day whatever you might be doing. A few weeks ago when we were having a chat about upcoming posts in our WhatsApp group and I informed the lads that the coming weeks would feature Lee Dixon, David Bentley, Dennis Bergkamp, Marcus Hahnemann and Paul McGrath to which Rich replied this would be “a bloody excellent five-a-side team”. After a bit of back and forth about Bentley having a free role due to all bases being covered by his teammates we came to the decision to chuck together a collaborative effort for the most wonderful time of the year. Underneath you can see our attempts to put together great five-a-side teams from the various luminaries we have covered on these pages since March 2020. Not only will you get to revisit some of our posts but you’ll also get to enjoy some awful puns. I bet you really wish it could be Christmas everyday now.

Thanks to Panini’s questionable choice of team photos for their Euro 2020 album we even managed to find a few options which could conceivably be a five-a-side team. Similarly to the tournament itself Finland were eliminated in the early stages and Spain were chosen on the basis this sticker features a fairly dislikeable collection of players topped off by The Bastard’s Bastard himself. Apologies to anyone expecting a look back at La Roja’s tournament exploits but apart from Pedri scoring a forty yard own goal and Alvaro Morata not being great at penalties not much really sticks in the memory. For the sake of parameters there will be no overhead height for our fictional small-sided games (bad news for Emlyn’s love of a “prick in the mixer”) and, of course, there will be walls to play one-twos off. Over to Rich to kick us off.

I’ve played in numerous five-a-side teams over the years, none of which were very good. I would apologise to all of those involved for saying this, but I think if the members of the respective sides looked deep within themselves they would agree. If they don’t, the results provide quite irrefutable evidence. Members of the Prime Minister’s Select XI would acknowledge that we broadly specialised in losing by cricket scores. The most success Cobra Kai Dojo had was hitting a shot so high and wide it landed on the Southampton to London train line behind the goal. Desperate Measures had our best game in a match that got abandoned after five minutes because the ref realised we were on the wrong pitch, although not before Manny scored a goal of the month contender. Glengarry Hamlet were the Norwich City of the Dulwich Pitch Invasion League, too good for Division 1 yet absolutely woefully out of our depth in the Premier League. In our defence, I’m not sure the Canaries frailties are as a result of being forced into keeping the ball on the deck like we were, as launching it long meant a very high and quick bounce off a rock hard hockey pitch surface. When passing and moving/moving in general isn’t within your skill set, this becomes a big problem. Essentially, these were teams that drank more pints than we scored goals and the fact that this was sometimes done before matches might explain a few things. With all this in mind, I have selected a team that I think would be true to the spirit of five-a-side football. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you FC Farcelona. 

Goalkeeper - Paddy Kenny

Small goal, big goalie. I did consider Dave Beasant for this role, he had good reflexes and being part of the Crazy Gang I’m sure he’d have bought into the team ethos. However, my years playing five-a-side have taught me that a big lad with good reflexes is more effective than a beanpole with good reflexes. By this logic, I would also be a much better five-a-side goalkeeper as I approach 40 than I was in my early twenties. Plus, Paddy Kenny seems like a right laugh and I imagine he’d stay true to the spirit of the team. 

Defence - Stuart Pearce

On the occasions when I swapped being a goalkeeper to take up the latter day David Beckham quarter-back role, one of my most relied on skills was the toe-bunged free kick. The beauty of it was that the ball could go absolutely f***ing anywhere. Sometimes (once, in ten years) it went in the goal, other times it went a long way wide/hit the shins of the one-man wall. Stuart Pearce, on the other hand could leather a free kick with accuracy and for that reason he gets the nod. He would also be handy at the shoulder barge into the boards; would have some cracking stories in the pub; and would be good at fixing broken electrical equipment. 

Midfield - David Batty

Every five-a-side team needs someone who turns up, causes minimal fuss and plays well. In my experience, that person is normally a ringer who, having taken one look at the players around him, decides not to come back the following week. However, as this is basically fantasy five-a-side David Batty doesn’t have any choice in the matter and he therefore takes over the reliably skilful lynchpin role. 

Forward - Aleksandar Mitrović

Would a man that struggles in the Premier League but bosses the Championship cut it down at the local Power League? I don’t really know, but we would guarantee energy, enthusiasm and no shortage of post match talking points. He might score the odd goal, he might get sent off, and if his past actions with Serbia are anything to go by, he might decide his teammates are all shit and get an Uber home by himself whilst the rest of the lads are stood waiting for a bus. 

Forward - Eric Cantona

The mercurial one. Every five-a-side team needs the bloke with the talent, the one who everyone knows is too good for the rest of the side but that went to University with the lad that organises the team and so plays out of a sense of loyalty. He won’t track back, but he doesn’t need to because he is the one that scores all of the goals. In the real world, this is normally someone who was on Port Vale’s books as a kid, but in this game it is King Eric. Plus, if his Kronenbourg adverts and wine drinking appearances in Liam Gallagher videos are anything to go by, he’d be on it in the post match booze up. Over to Emlyn.

When we first mooted the idea of selecting five-a-side teams from our collected articles in the ASW500W WhatsApp group, I immediately stated my intention to pick Reading legend, ping-pong sensation and shrewd investor James Harper in every position. In the interests of potentially widening the click-throughs further than former Berkshire heroes, I've been convinced to assemble a wider range of players; however, it goes without saying that Harper will be captain, perennial man of the match and never have to buy a drink after a game. The eagle-eyed may notice that every player in the side has lined up for either Reading or Wales in their career, and it's only the inclusion of two players that couldn't be left out in midfield that kept John Oster on the sidelines. My team is as follows:

Goalkeeper - Neville Southall 

A legend throughout Wales and on Merseyside, the choice of goalkeeper was an easy one (once I'd discounted James Harper). Worthy of inclusion for his good nature alone, Southall was one of the greatest goalkeepers of all time in his prime. And even past his prime, would be an imposing if not impenetrable presence in a five-a-side goal.

Defence - André Bikey 

Annoyingly I haven't got round to writing my article on Chris Gunter yet, so have instead plumped for André Bikey. This was the trickiest position to fill, with the relentless shithousery of Sergio Ramos, the celebratory joy of David May, and the penalty prowess of David Unsworth all tempting options. However, the Wales/Reading connection meant that my choices were fairly limited, and so I selected Bikey on the basis that very few opposition players, and even fewer members of the medical team, would fancy a one on one tussle with the hulking Cameroonian.

Midfield - James Harper 

There aren't really enough words to express my respect, adoration and wistful sense of nostalgia for James Harper. He's my captain, a genuine Reading legend, and I will absolutely never forgive Brendan Rogers for selling him. <3

Midfield - Gary Speed

In the words of the Manic Street Preachers; "Let's not forget Gary Speed – he wore his heart upon his sleeve". As I write this, it is the week of the tenth anniversary of Speed's death. A true rarity in being a man for whom nobody has a bad word, and a tenacious midfielder who is still sixth on the list of appearances in the Premier League, you could guarantee Speed would be giving his all for every second he was on the pitch. Never forgotten and forever missed.

Forward - Craig Bellamy

My five-a-side years are long behind me, but it seemed there would always be a nippy, scrappy short-arse in the opposing side to expose me for the lumbering clogger I was. I'm not sure you could embody that description more completely than Mr Bellamy, and I see his Wales career as the bridge between the depths of mediocrity and the peaks of achievement in 2016. A record of nineteen goals and six red cards each season, with at least one goal celebration inspired by a scrap with a team-mate, will truly round out the team. Over to Mat.

Trying to come up with a five-a-side team from the legends, mavericks, dossers and forgotten heroes we’ve covered here at A Sticker’s Worth 500 Words is far from easy. I won’t pick myself, as I wouldn’t want to overshadow my teammates with my tireless work rate, comedic falls, and once in a blue moon strikes. Plus, having just got back into eight-a-side football after the best part of a decade away from the pitch, my match sharpness needs a bit of work still. But, with the rubber crumb waiting, here we go:

Goalkeeper – Phil Jagielka

I know what you’re thinking. So stop it. Now. Phil Jagielka is not a goalie. He is not known for his shot stopping prowess, his reflex saves, domination of the box, and his ability to give the defence in front of him a rocket up the arse in full Jordan Pickford on England duty style. But he has played in goal, notably for Sheffield United, is a big unit and would be a fully modern style keeper in so far as he’s good with his feet and would allow this team to play out from the back. Plus: experience.

Defence - Steve Bruce

Every defence needs a hard man. Someone willing to literally put their face on the line and where it hurts. Bruce is that man for my team. Plus he’ll be the heart of the group, with his storytelling prowess uniting the team. It’s an added bonus with him being out of work so he’s available and can also manage the team as well.

Midfield – Lee Sharpe

Flair, speed, and a story to tell. Plus, with him forever going down in Inbetweeners infamy, it had to be Lee Sharpe didn’t it? Definitely.

Midfield - Thomas Hitzlsperger

Offering something different to Sharpe in the midfield, plus a foot like a traction engine, Hitzlsperger will offer goals, assists, and a bit more of a solid look. ‘Der Hammer’ is in the team.

Forward – Matt Le Tissier

The woefully underutilised at international level Matt Le Tissier will provide the enigmatic flair up front. Assists, goals and an eye for the spectacular, ‘Le God’ will grab the number 10 shirt (even for a five-a-side team). He’ll be the focal point and lay off balls for the willing runners from midfield. I just won’t expect him to do much running. And if all else fails, I’ll find him down at the golf course. Over to Manny.

Whatever profession you work in a bit of five-a-side always sounds like a good idea for staff bonding or midweek morale boosting. What this assumption seems to ignore is that days of black coffee, biscuits, Pret sandwiches and sitting on office chairs of varying quality are not the ideal preparation for what is essentially an hour of shuttle runs with the occasional bit of substandard football thrown in for good measure. Instead everyone turns up and practices smashing shots at an open goal from increasingly optimistic distances with limited success before inevitably collapsing after ten minutes of box-to-box action. Despite announcing themselves as forwards and midfielders upon arrival everyone ends up hiding at the back or in goal for as long as possible meaning that most people also end up on the scoresheet convincing everyone to decide it’s probably a good idea to perform the whole charade again next week. To counter this I’ve decided to pick a side of utility players all equally capable of playing everywhere better than any so-called specialists, and definitely better than anyone I’ve worked with, so here, for your consideration, are the brave men of Box to Boxford United.

Goalkeeper – Rene Higuita

El Loco is a proven shot stopper with a penchant for the sublime and ridiculous in equal measure. More importantly, if any of the heroes in front of him happen to fancy a break, his 44 career goals suggest he could do a job up top if required to do so. The nature of five-a-side also suggest his dribbling skills might not be called upon quite so much which will be handy if we come across Roger Milla spearheading his retirement home’s quintet at the local Power League.

Defence – Paul Warhurst

Warhurst started off his career in defence at Oldham Athletic before reinventing himself as a striker later on down the line so it seems sensible to chuck him at the back at kick off. His time at Blackburn Rovers and Crystal Palace proved he could play in midfield as well and should Higuita pop out for a token jaunt up front he is probably more than capable of pulling of a few saves if called upon. His seventeen club CV, and time on the hallowed plastic Boundary Park pitch, suggests he could handle himself on rubber crumb or a sand based Astroturf too.

Defence – Miguel Angel Nadal

He might be the second most famous sporting member of his family but The Beast’s adaptability to a range of defence and midfield positions, and 44 career goals for good measure, suggest he could do a job in this extremely versatile side. It might not be the best idea to have him on penalty duty but perhaps the reduced run up would relieve the pressure. As stated above, it’s always handy to have a bit of a shithouse to do the dirty work, and Nadal’s physicality could come in handy on a cold Tuesday night wherever we might be playing.

Midfield – Ruud Gullit

It’s always a luxury to have a Ballon d’Or winner in the side especially if he is capable of playing sweeper, central midfield or up front. Gullit would almost certainly be the classiest of my charges and, if I happened to have a parent’s evening or staff meeting, his managerial pedigree could come in handy. Hopefully he won’t be leading the dressing room/pub sing-alongs afterwards but even if he does the two European Cups, European Championship and countless domestic trophies would probably make up for it.

Forward – Dion Dublin

Property expert, musician, goal machine and could do a job in defence if needed. Not only would Dion guarantee us goals but the lads would also have the inside track on a whole host of terraced housing in the Midlands some of which could be in one over hit pass’ distance from some excellent five-a-side facilities. If that wasn’t enough his vital experience of winning the Intertoto Cup make him the most qualified member of this elite squad ahead of their tilt at Catford Power League’s Tuesday Third Division.

Thanks for reading and have a lovely festive season whatever you’re up to. Hopefully the fixture congestion and array of meat and booze won’t leave you too depleted.