470: Matt Targett, Newcastle United, Panini Premier League Official Sticker Collection 2024

Mat Jolin-Beech today looks to spare us all the tedium of an international break with a look back at some pre-season misadventures. An online wag summarised the suffering of football fans the other day by observing that such was the malaise during England’s insipid win over the mighty Andorra that commentators Sam Matterface and Lee Dixon winded up talking about Coldplay instead. Hopefully Mat, a missed plane and some salad cream will sort that out.

(Thanks to all of those on BlueSky who pointed out that the Targett story was a spoof. We live and learn. And why let the truth get in the way of a funny story?)

Pre-season. It’s the time where there is (mostly) excitement and optimism coursing through fans veins. It’ll be our year [TM all Arsenal fans]. The players are putting in the hard yards and training until they’re sick. Running over sand dunes, working on the latest manager’s tactics, or eyeing that dream transfer to a club they’ve long admired – ever since the tabloids published a rumour linking them yesterday.

But things don’t always run smoothly. Just ask Newcastle United fans this summer. Not only did they miss almost all of their summer targets but their star striker is refused to play or train as he egineered a £100m plus move to the Scousers. Probably to only sit on the bench. Manchester United fans, me included, may chuckle at this. Although, given how last season went, that hilarity is more than likely to backfire on us as we gear up for a relegation battle once again! Highlighting just how bad their pre-season has been, and summing up the mood in the Toon, was the news that came out about Matt Targett. He was left behind in Seoul as the rest of the team flew back to Newcastle. Targett took it in great spirits, posting on X-was-Twitter-but-everyone-has-abandoned-it-because-Elon, he made it back in time for training. Good lad.

But this got me thinking, what other absurd pre-season stories have there been? Plymouth Argyle v Real Madrid anyone? All as a thank you for Argyle giving up a hotel in Austria Fabio Capello’s Madrid wanted as a training base. The thanks was a friendly, decided apparently by a dodgy penalty award, scored by Julio Baptista. Another odd pre-season game came in 2015, when Welsh fourth-tier Pontypridd Town squared up to Deportivo La Coruna. This came about seemingly as the result of one of those bets you have with your mates down the pub. The previous year, Pontypridd faced Valencia’s B-team. The wager was do better than 10-0 defeat, and we’ll play you next year. A 3-0 defeat later, and this was set up.

Mario Balotelli and that backheel is another. Upstarts (and noisy neighbours) Manchester City, were facing were in the US facing LA Galaxy [at the Dignity Health Sports Park – what an American stadium name], when in the 28th minute, Balotelli was through on goal, and attempted a back heel – only to miss. He was promptly subbed off by manager Roberto Mancini. Balotelli claimed he thought he was offside. How much do we believe that? Other strangeness came in 1994 when Harry Redknapp’s West Ham United faced Oxford City. Hammers’ Fan Steve Davies, was heckling Redknapp about striker Lee Chapman. Fed up, Redknapp challenged him: “Can you play as good as you talk?” Yes, seemingly. An offside goal was scored, and Redknapp even said Davies performed better than some of the regular first team squad.

Finally, injuries always occur in pre-season. Lenny Yoro last year for United hampered that start of his career. But other injuries are just…strange. Enter Dave Beasant and a jar of salad cream. Not just any jar of salad cream. It was, not M&S salad cream, but a 2kg jar. Who has a 2kg jar of salad cream!? Was he planning on bathing in it? Anyway, he dropped it on his foot and severed a tendon in his big toe in 1993. AI states it effectively ended his Chelsea career. Was that the tendon issue or more the point he had a 2kg jar of salad cream?

There are many, many more such stories. And it’s all part of the joys of pre-season. Unless you’re a Newcastle fan. Or Dave Beasant’s jar of salad cream.

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