298: Steve Bruce, Manchester United, Merlin’s Premier League 95 Sticker Collection

Every March schools and nurseries across the UK and Ireland celebrate World Book Day. As well as providing children and young people with a book voucher it also gives students, and staff, an opportunity to dress up as their favourite book character. I’m always incredibly impressed by the efforts the students at my school go to and the willingness of staff to give them a laugh at their own expense. This year I went as Frodo Baggins. If you know me this is fairly self-explanatory but for those of you who don’t, I’m a short arse with hairy feet and a fondness for a second breakfast.

The pedant in me is always a little bit confused, however, by some of the costumes you see being lauded on social media for this annual event. For example, an image of a young boy dressed as Ben Stokes in full kit, complete with bat and pads, went viral as his mum highlighted it was her duty to dress a ginger child as England’s cricketing maestro. Full marks for the attention to detail in the costume but is Ben Stokes actually a book character? Unless you count his hastily released autobiography of course.

There are several excellent books about football out there as well as a plethora of autobiographies which range from the interesting and insightful to the genuinely tedious. Yet, whilst most footballers’ bibliographies are limited to the stories of their lives, there are some who have taken to the world of literature at the end of their playing careers and perhaps the funniest, if not the best, example of such a player is former Manchester United captain and current Newcastle manager Steve Bruce.

During his spell as manager of Huddersfield Town at the turn of the century Bruce released three exceptional crime novels with the inspirational titles ‘Striker!’, ‘Sweeper!’ and ‘Defender!’. In the series, Leddersford Town boss Steve Barnes combines his management of the upwardly mobile Northern club with his admirable crime-solving skills. Barnes starts as a reluctant hero in ‘Striker!’, thrust into solving the murder of Leddersford’s star player when he is named as a suspect in the case, but gradually grows into his role as he solves the case despite being under sniper-fire in his own technical area. It’s this calm, problem-solving approach which has no doubt earned Bruce, sorry Barnes, his reputation as one of the game’s most astute tacticians.

In my last school one of the more enthusiastic middle-management types decided it was essential for all staff to be actively involved in World Book Week by suggesting their favourite books and even delivering readings during lunch times to an audience of eager students. This was when one of my colleagues first made me aware of Bruce’s novels as he suggested ‘Striker!’ for one of the upcoming readings. Sadly, the lack of success the series experienced meant it was nigh on impossible to track down copies of the books without spending a month’s wages in one go. Thank God for copyright libraries and family contacts as scans of the underrated crime thriller appeared in several email inboxes a few days later.

To give Bruce his dues he has admitted embarrassment at his foray into the literary world. When asked why he hadn’t written more in an interview in 2016 the then Hull City manager replied: “"Have you read them? Go and read them and you'll understand why." The plots are thin and the lack of imagination shown with the name of the protagonist and his club beggars belief. Barnes is also keen to highlight the features of his various sports cars or designer suits during his pursuit of murderers and international terrorist organisations which makes it hard to relate to the manager/detective during his missions. It’s not a huge surprise that the series failed to capture the hearts of the nation.

That being said it’s cruel to round on Bruce for doing something so far out of his comfort zone and if we’re going to criticise him for anything it should be for his abandonment of Crystal Palace for Birmingham City in 2001. Whilst ‘Striker!’ was never going to win the Booker Prize, it’s fair to say that there are far worse books out there which have been much more successful and granted far more critical acclaim. So next time you’re struggling for ideas for costumes for yourself or your children for World Book Day forget the stars of England’s Cricket World Cup triumph and look no further than Steve Barnes.