50: Select XIs

I wish this was a sticker of a touring cricket side for an ill-fated England tour of the West Indies in the 1990s but sadly no such thing exists to the best of my knowledge. What this is though is our fiftieth post on what started as a way to kill some time during lockdown and turned into something much more fun and sociable than I expected. To celebrate we’ve all taken turns to pick a ‘Select XI’ from the cast of characters we’ve already talked about in a bid to shamelessly promote our existing work and because, well, just because. Thanks for reading and stick with us for more nonsense in the future.

Manny Hawks’ Select XI (5-3-2)

GK: Carlo Nash

LWB: Ashley Cole

CB: Domagoj Vida

CB: David May

CB: Phil Babb

RWB: Gary Charles

CM: Andy Townsend

CM: Peter Fear

AM: Roberto Baggio (c)

CF: Dion Dublin

CF: Dirk Kuyt

Starting from the back I believe that Carlo Nash deserved more out of his career and a team like this would allow him to fulfil his potential. All three centre-backs offer something different from excellent hair to enthusiastic celebrations and the ability to triumph over the adversity of rearranging your bollocks around a goalpost. Wing-backs Cole and Charles provide width and an excuse for me to pick wing-backs which is key when picking any team. Midfield options were limited due to the fact we clearly don’t care that much about out-and-out midfielders. The Divine Ponytail would pull the strings in attacking midfield allowing Homes Under The Hammer star Dion Dublin to make the most of his creativity. And Dirk Kuyt up top purely on the basis that it’s impossible to ignore a double Ballon D’or winner even if none of that actually happened in real life. Home kit would be the Coventry City away from 1996/97 with the red and black checkerboard and the away would be the Coventry away from 1995/96 with the contrasting purple stripes. Nash gets to wear the excellent Crystal Palace keeper’s jersey from 1997/98.

Richard Allinson’s Select XI (4-4-2)

GK: Dave Beasant (c)

LB: David Burrows

CB: Dion Dublin

CB: Steve Bruce

RB: Gary Charles

LM: Steve Guppy

CM: Jeremy Goss

CM: Carlton Palmer

RM: Ivano Bonetti

CF: Andrew Carroll

CF: Roberto Baggio

Goalkeeper kit: Grimsby Town 1993. Home: Liverpool 1990. Away: Coventry City 1995. Third: Norwich 1993. The goalkeeper and home kits are basically the same shirt but I won’t let that stop me. Dave Beasant (c) - All time hero, played for Grimsby, took me banging a penalty past him in good humour.  Gary Charles - Underrated quality on the pitch, inspirational life story, liked our Tweet.  David Burrows - Quality player, allowed me to pick the Liverpool 1990 kit, allowed me to tell my hat-trick story in the blog.  Dion Dublin - Versatile, Homes Under The Hammer, Dube. Steve Bruce – Vice captain. Deputy leader. Main detective. Guppy - Answered the left sided problem. End of story. Goss - Volleys from outside the area, nice bloke, access to Norwich’s 1993/94 kits. Webb - Played for Grimsby, class on the ball, sold programmes at Reading. Bonetti - IVANO... BONETTI, revolutionised a club, didn’t quit when his manager hospitalised him. Carroll - The Tyne Ponytail, great in the air, classic little and large with Baggio, would keep the physio in a job. Baggio - The Divine Ponytail, absolute class, might be able to get James Richardson down with his paper and espresso, penalties…maybe not penalties.

Emlyn Jones’ Select XI (5-4-1)

GK: Neville Southall (c)

LWB: Jonas Gutierrez

CB: Alexi Lalas

CB: Domagoj Vida

CB: Sol Campbell

RWB: Gary Charles

LF: Steve Guppy

CM: Rory Delap

CM: Neil Webb

RF: Dirk Kuyt

CF: Kevin Davies

Andy Townsend as my assistant manager, based in a truck. Of tactics. Southall as captain, until he calls me a fat c*** like he did Alan Myers at Everton, then Big Sol would take over. I’ve picked Lalas to provide musical entertainment in the dressing room as he once toured with Hootie and the Blowfish. I picked Delap on throw-ins alone and that necessitated an absolute prick in the mixer. Davies got the nod but I think Carroll would have been an equally effective prick, however Kevin Nolan isn’t there to stop him chinning people. Picked Guppy and Kuyt for football computer game related reasons and Jonas is picked because I’ll be insisting that they make a chant for him based around the Weezer song. Goalkeeper kit: Everton 1996/97. Home kit: Croatia 1998.

Mat Jolin-Beech’s Select XI (3-4-1-2)

GK: Mark Bosnich

CB: Steve Bruce

CB: Sol Campbell

CB: Phil Babb

LM: Steve Guppy

CM: Rory Delap

CM: Tomas Brolin

RM: Jonas Gutierrez

ACM: Matt Le Tissier (c)

CF: Marcus Stewart

CF: Tony Yeboah

We would have the Manchester United 1993/94 away kit, the green and yellow one with the shoelaces, as the home kit and the Mexico 98 home as the away kit. Norwich 1992/93 as the third kit. Marcus Stewart as he bossed my 1999 Fantasy Football team and earned me manager of the month. Delap – see Emlyn’s reasons. Guppy to solve my left-sided problem. Bruce for his great story telling acumen. Bosnich as he’s mad as a badger and Yeboah so the commentators will have all the scorgasms.

So there we have it. Four teams, a range of excellent kits and a whole host of spurious reasons behind our selections. Feel free to question our decisions on our Twitter and Instagram pages and, as the great Brian Clough would put it, we can talk about it and then we’ll decide that we were right.