314: Andy Townsend, Ireland, USA ’94 World Cup, UK and Eire Edition

Some of you might be aware that we started an Instagram account a few weeks ago in order to ruin another corner of the internet with pictures of questionable 90s footballers. Post number one, Peter Fear, got a like from THE Benny Carbone which suggests that, along with retweets from Big Nev, Gary Charles and Ian Marshall, we might have completed the internet. Which is considerably better than we’ve done with a lot of these sticker albums. Rich, who is our leading Insta influencer, uploaded Dirk Kuyt twice by accident but then explained this away with the line “in many ways Clive, with his work rate, it is like having two Dirk Kuyts on the pitch”. Thirty seconds later we were talking about Andy Townsend.

Above is an image of Andy Townsend representing his country at a second consecutive World Cup following a season at Aston Villa where he had won the League Cup. Whilst Kent is the tenth largest county in England it is yet to gain independence so Townsend instead chose to represent the Republic of Ireland through the kind of distant family links which allowed Jack Charlton to put together competitive squads throughout the 1980s and 90s. In fact, out of the seventeen players selected for inclusion in this particular Panini album, only six of them were born in the Emerald Isle. Then again, as my Irish Gran would always say, if everyone who was Irish went back home it would probably sink.

Despite spending his formative years in Bexley (poor bloke), Andy Townsend captained the Republic in the 1994 FIFA World Cup in the USA leading the side to an impressive 1-0 victory against eventual runners-up Italy and a respectable draw with Norway to advance from the group stage. They were brushed aside by the Netherlands in the second round but had put in a decent shift on the pitch and won the hearts and minds in the stands, Apart from maybe John Aldridge who, having waited six minutes to come on as a substitute, nearly attacked the fourth official in frustration. To be fair we’ve all thought about doing it.

Upon his return to club football Townsend helped Villa avoid relegation in the 1994/95 season, partly thanks to Palace going 3-0 down in half an hour of their must win game at Newcastle, before captaining the Villans to a fourth place finish and further League Cup glory in 1995/96. Spells at Middlesbrough and West Bromwich Albion, along with another League Cup final appearance, followed before a knee injury forced him to retire in 2000. Clearly this was enough to convince the makers of Actua Soccer 2 to make his, and Finidi George’s, names the only ones Barry Davies should bother learning.

His gregarious nature and excellent blonde highlights allowed him to ease into a media career. The BBC briefly decided that losing the rights to Premier League footage was a good idea and ITV swooped in with their flagship highlights show ‘The Premiership’ hosted by the housewives’ favourite Des Lynam. Townsend cut his punditry teeth on the show through the literal vehicle of the ‘Tactics Truck’ where the former midfield maestro dissected key incidents in what appeared to be a pimped out Transit van alongside the player in question. This allowed such televisual gems as a conversation with Graeme Le Saux which went along the lines of: “Graeme, great innovation to test the goalkeeper from that sort of angle.” “It was an over hit cross Andy.” “…back to you in the studio Des.” Insightful stuff.

Whilst ‘The Premiership’ was mercifully shelved, (although ITV used the brilliantly cheesy title sequence set to U2 classic ‘Beautiful Day’ for their Championship highlights for years to come) Townsend continued to appear as a colour commentator with ITV on their Champions League and international tournaments’ coverage. I often worried for his safety stuck in the commentary box with Clive Tyldesley during Manchester United and England games owing to the latter’s frightening ejaculations whenever Wayne Rooney was near the ball. I presume Townsend was wearing a fall hazchem suit on such occasions.

When the Champions League moved to BT Sport so did Townsend where, due to a lack of both Tyldesley and Wazza, he is probably less likely to end up flung through the commentary box. Outside of the game he keeps himself busy with a Caribbean coaching venture and charitable work. Along with two League Cups, 70 caps for Ireland and a place in both the Norwich City and FAI Halls of Fame, it’s fair to say that Townsend did alright for himself. Just don’t let him back in a van full of computer screens anytime soon.