104: Joe Cole, England, Panini FIFA World Cup Germany 2006 Official Licensed Sticker Album

Today Richard Allinson gives us a trip down memory lane through the 2006 World Cup and trials and tribulations of England’s supposed ‘Golden Generation’. Perhaps the best way to sum this particular team up is that as all those around them tied themselves in knots trying to work out how Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard would gel together in the centre of midfield Owen Hargreaves ended up as the Three Lions’ player of the tournament. Over to Rich with the details.

“Don’t shoot from there you stupid cun… OH WHAT A GOAL!” Joe Cole’s shot against Sweden in the 2006 World Cup was speculative, and as you may be able to tell from the above, I thought he shouldn’t have hit it. However, his strike convinced me and my mate Tom that England were going to win the tournament, much to the amusement and bemusement of the other folk around us at the Brandenburg Gate fan park that balmy June evening. 

I’ve never followed a World Cup around a country, but Germany 2006 was the closest I got. Basically, it coincided with my “I don’t like working in a call centre” backpacking trip around Europe and the atmosphere in the host cities was excellent. Unlike Euro 2020, no one stuck a flare up their arse and Rob Beckett didn’t go viral for getting battered in a bucket hat. 

Going into the tournament there was a real sense of optimism for England, this was the “Golden Generation” after all. On paper, we had a ridiculously strong starting eleven, although Sven-Göran Eriksson might have kept a bit of mystique about our likely line up by not giving the obvious players the squad numbers 1-11, but there you go. Even Sven’s absolutely random selection of seventeen-year-old Theo Walcott had an air of chaotic excellence to it. Our kit that year was great too, the flirty St George’s cross on the shoulder being the best part. I owned both the home and away versions and if I hadn’t somehow contrived to lose both, I’d still be rocking them today. 

How optimistic, how English. Oh, how it didn’t work out. Going into the group stages, we were reassured that Wayne Rooney was fit despite breaking a metatarsal bone only six weeks before the first game. He clearly wasn’t. Michael Owen had also declared himself fit for selection following recent metatarsal issues. It was going okay until he went down after 51 seconds against Sweden with an ACL injury which not only ruled him out of the tournament, but for the whole of the next season too. With Rooney struggling for fitness and Owen on the injury table, our only fit striker was peak-robot era Peter Crouch, with Sven not seeing the need to select more than three strikers in his squad. Thankfully Crouchy found the net against Trinidad & Tobago and we got to see his mechanical elbows in all their angular glory. So the group stages weren’t great, but we emerged with seven points from nine after beating Paraguay and Trinidad & Tobago, and drawing with Sweden. 

Next up was Ecuador (ECUADOR!) and David Beckham. He did a little vom on the side of the pitch and then scored a free kick which I missed because the TV in my Hungarian hostel stopped working as he was running up to the ball. By this time, England’s Golden Generation were starting to look more gold plated than the genuine article. Fear not though, because England always grow into tournaments and the knockout stages are our speciality. 

The quarter-final game against Portugal was going okay until Beckham injured his ankle and was taken off after 52 minutes. The game then settled down for ten minutes until Wayne Rooney stamped on Ricardo Carvalho’s bollocks and was sent off. Bulldog spirit and all that though, England dug in for a 0-0 at the end of extra time and with penalties looming, Sven pulled an absolute Kepa Arrizabalaga and brought penalty specialist Jamie Carragher on in the 119th minute. It seemed like a masterstroke as Carragher dispatched his spot-kick with ease. However, the ref deemed him to have taken it too quickly and Carragher had to re-take his penalty, which he subsequently missed. Considering the Golden Generation’s Laurel and Hardy, Lampard and Gerrard, had already both missed their kicks, England were out once chief winker Cristiano Ronaldo had cemented their fate. We had the delight of watching this game at the Roskilde festival in Denmark, surrounded by a rich tapestry of people that wanted England to lose. Post-match, as Tom and I sat glumly staring at our warm Carlsberg, two particularly chipper Danes popped up to commiserate with us. It isn’t often I swear at strangers, but these two were left in no doubt as to where they could get to. It was okay though, because we still had Kanye West to look forward to at the festival that evening. Yeezus Christ. 

So overall, other than (allegedly) David Beckham's balls, it turned out that the Golden Generation wasn’t actually that golden. But by ‘eck, that Joe Cole goal was a good ‘un.