278: Nicolás Otamendi, Argentina, FIFA World Cup Russia 2018, Panini Official Licensed Sticker Album

Rich Allinson explores some interesting inking among some of South America’s footballing talent while also allowing all England fans a bit of schadenfreude at the expense of a recent World Cup finalist. I am in no position to question anyone’s tattoo choices but have no shame in sticking the boot in on today’s subject who, had he not won an impressive 139 international caps, would be on the receiving end of a “let it go Nick, you’re never going to meet him” based on his tribute to his tax evading team mate. Over to Rich.

I feel obliged to write this post after recently seeing a photo Nicolás Otamendi with tattoos of Lionel Messi all over his torso. This isn’t a post World Cup loss ‘bitter Englishman’ sentiment, more just a reflection of the fact that Otamendi’s ink is a rather strange thing to do. Let’s just imagine this move playing out in an office environment on a Monday morning…

Leo: “Morning Nick, get up to much at the weekend?”

Nick: “Yeah, I got a new tattoo as it happens.”

Leo: “Oh, cool, what of?”

Nick: “You.”

Leo: “Erm… that is spectacularly creepy mate. What did you do that for?”

Nick: “I just wanted to commemorate your Employee of the Year award; you deserved it. Your value add in accurately processing the backlog of tax returns in the last quarter was really inspiring.”

Leo: “You’re a weirdo mate. Please, never speak to me again.”

Questions remain as to whether Messi called him out over this bizarre tribute, but given that Otamendi hasn’t appeared on an episode of Tattoo Fixers (up to date cultural references are very much my strong point) suggests that he was okay with it, which is weird in itself. 

Otamendi is someone that likes to present himself as a hard man (in his complete and utter dreams) but getting a tattoo of his mate on his torso makes me think of one thing, and it isn’t toughness. It is Jed Maxwell from Alan Partridge. “I'm just a fan, Lionel, that's all. Your biggest fan. I'll show you something… It took 14 hours! I fainted three times!”

That said, I suppose Otamendi needs something to distinguish himself from the rest of the ‘skin-fade hairstyle, unnervingly over groomed beard and black and grey tattoos’ look of the rest of the Argentinian squad. Having a picture of your work colleague etched onto your body for eternity is a very weird way to go about it though. And before anyone says Messi is the GOAT and it is a fitting tribute, you’re wrong. Firstly, because he isn’t, and secondly and more importantly, there is only one Goat, and that is Shaun Goater. 

Remarkably, he isn’t the only bang average South American footballer to fall into the trap of being a complete and utter tattoo dickhead. Let’s not forget the time Tottenham Hotspur substitute Richarlison decided to get a picture of himself (wild), Fat Ronaldo and Neymar tattooed on his back. This isn’t said often, but Micah Richards hit the nail on the head when he said: “Neymar is an outstanding player but it's weird, he's still playing. I mean if it was like people who have retired I would get it, but Neymar's his teammate. It's like me getting a tattoo of Daniel Sturridge. I mean I like him, I love him, he's a quality player but I'm not going to get a tattoo of him."

The Daniel Sturridge comparison somehow sums it up perfectly. If you’re going to get a dodgy tribute tattoo, go with Pele, Romario, Bebeto, Jairzinho, Rivaldo, f*** it, go with Dean Sturridge if you want, but teammates getting tattoos of each other is just wrong. Not as wrong as Richarlison putting himself on his own Brazilian Mount Rushmore, but even moving beyond that act of autolatry, Neymar kept him out the team for God’s sake. It’d be like me going out and getting a tattoo of the successful candidate that beat me to an office job. 

Let’s also spare a thought for Ronaldo in all this; being put in the same bracket as Neymar and Richarlison is an insult on both a personal and sporting level. I mean, he got to drive Madonna out for the World Cup final half time entertainment on her pimped up Shop-Mobility scooter. You didn’t see The Diver and The Substitute doing that did you?

You’d have thought that was it, but then comes along Antony, and all of a sudden Richarlison seems less of a bellend. Antony has a tattoo of himself, shirtless, covering half of his own back. Magically, it is a picture of him celebrating scoring a goal in the Eredivisie in 2022. It is meant to have some rags to riches meaning as the other half the tattoo is the favela he grew up in, but as far as achievements go, I might as well go out and get a tattoo of me scoring with a toe-bung at Catford Power League in 2011.  Even worse for Antony is that he seemingly had the tattoo done in 2024, so, after he had left Ajax and gone on to cement himself as the worst player in Manchester United’s history. Nice one. 

So yeah, that’s it. Tattoos of teammates, what an odd thing to do. Tattoos of yourself though… deary me.