263: Matthew Etherington, Stoke City, Topps Match Attax Trading Card Game, 2009/10

The dust is settling on what has felt like a very long 2022/23 football season and most of the major issues of titles, promotions and relegations have been secured. For the three of us behind this collaborative post it has been an intriguing campaign.

(Manny) At Crystal Palace ‘Super’ Pat Vieira was denied the chance to build on a promising first campaign by a hideous run of results at the start of 2023 which saw the Eagles languishing in (checks) 12th position in the Premier League. His sacking and replacement with beloved septuagenarian Roy Hodgson saw the side’s exciting attacking talent given a new lease of life to guarantee South London’s finest another season of top-flight table and reach the dizzying heights of (checks) 11th place. 

(Rich) Grimsby Town’s season? Well, we got to an FA Cup quarter final. An FA Cup quarter final, for the first time in 84 years. This sort of thing never happens to us, we normally draw someone annoyingly difficult but uninspiring away in the first round and lose. But this time, we didn’t. We drew said club (sorry, Plymouth Argyle fans) and won 5-1, albeit at home. We kept overcoming the hurdles of teams above us in the league ladder, including Southampton (with a little help from those nice people at VAR) before finally succumbing to Brighton & Hove Albion.

Before the big match, a small percentage of me was wondering how next season’s Europa League campaign would go. This was quickly followed by me thinking about how Gary Lineker would struggle to explain how unexpected selection Shaun Pearson kept Erling Haaland quiet in the FA Cup final. We lost 5-0 though, so my bubble was quickly burst. Although on the plus side, a global audience got to see our snazzy pink kit. 

Ordinarily, 4,000 season tickets sold in League Two, an 11th placed finish in our first season back in the league, and the growing optimism around the club would be the main takeaways. However, as I might have mentioned, we got to the FA Cup quarter final. And that is all I have to say really.

(Emlyn) Reading's season started fairly optimistically, with manager Paul Ince having established some kind of form to keep us up last year and a defined transfer strategy. Granted, that strategy was "if you cost £0 and were quite good in 2012, we will sign you", but still. We weren't expecting much as fans but were fairly confident our team of young academy players and journeymen like Andy Carroll and a returning Shane Long would see us comfortably safe. Sadly, absolutely dismal away form and a transfer embargo that meant every deal had to be ratified by the EFL meant that it was always going to be a struggle, and when a six point deduction was dished out in April the writing was on the wall. Of course, since every transfer had been ratified, the fact that the EFL felt we had breached the conditions suggests some fault at their door too, but regardless, the club accepted the charge. A late change in manager didn't help and we got relegated by a margin of five points. It's tough to say what next season will look like, but hopefully we won't go bust and can make a decent fist of an attempt at promotion. And if Andy Carroll stays then we can hope for plenty of repeats of his form this year, such as scoring then getting sent off for handball minutes later.

(Manny) The drama mentioned above pales in comparison to the soap opera that played out at League Two’s Crawley Town in the 2022/23 season. In April of last year the club was purchased by Wagmi United LLC with the US cryptocurrency investors promising to “build a worldwide community of fans new and old that can be excited to cheer on the Red Devils together - stretching from West Sussex to anywhere in the world with an internet connection." A bold statement to say the least which had probably been prepared a year earlier when the same firm attempted a takeover at Bradford City. Incumbent manager John Yems, however, was impressed enough to say “this is an exciting time for the club” although he was not to experience too much of that excitement himself. A few weeks later Yems was dismissed following reports of racist abuse towards his own players which eventually resulted in an eighteenth month ban from the FA. His replacement, Kevin Betsy, oversaw a miserable start to the campaign which left Crawley bottom of League Two after just one win in twelve and led the Wagmi “crypto bros” to turn to former Peterborough United, Tottenham Hotspur, West Ham United and Stoke City winger Matthew Etherington.

Etherington’s previous managerial experience consisted of a solitary game at the helm of former club Peterborough, a 2-1 loss to Fulham, in February 2022 but he was quick to respond to the sceptics upon his appointment at Crawley stating “everyone’s got to start somewhere, right?” A 2-0 victory over Swindon Town provided a dream start but by the end of the month, and after only two further games, Etherington departed with the club’s Director of Football Chris Galley claiming “this partnership is not the right fit to carry the club forward and achieve our goals”. If by goals the Crawley executives meant flogging top scorer Tom Nichols over Etherington’s head then it is perhaps understandable the relationship broke down.

The next day interim manager Darren Byfield was joined in the dugout by Wagmi United’s co-founder Preston Johnson bringing an extra layer of farce to Crawley’s season. During the 3-1 defeat to Stevenage he nailed the key fundamentals of football management by standing around in the freezing cold, pointing at things and whispering coded messages to his colleagues but failed to win over the coaching staff with his lack of understanding of substitutions. As Johnson’s intriguing approach to football club ownership gained national attention he was pictured donning merchandise advertising Philadelphia pop-punk band The Wonder Years’ most recent release ‘The Hum Goes on Forever’. It was at this point that the three of us felt our worlds collide. I’ll take you directly to our WhatsApp conversation:

(Emlyn) How big is the league? Has the phrase "well Jesus Christ... We're 26th" ever been used?

All the people we got promoted with

All have mids

All have fives

All have people who know how to score with some kicks

Well Jesus Christ...

(Manny) If we're in the Conference

And you're in the Champions League

Well then what kind of man(ager) does that make me?

(Rich) I’m no saviour

If I can’t sign some cover

(Manny) We just want to sell all our first team squad

We just want to trade them all for bitcoin

We just want to sell all our first team squad

Know that we fought to make some of them rejoin

(Emlyn) I'm sorry I got beat by some shite teams

Is this what it feels like

When my winger's shit?

(Manny) Well we've have our squad

Bought up by League 2 sides

Or in the Auto Windscreens

By mid-July

(Rich) I’ve been standing on the touch line 

But the truth is, I’ve been losing grip

On the dressing room around me

I think we’re going down

I hadn’t thought of relegation until now

I hadn’t thought of the sack until now

(Manny) This club's got guys to sell

I'd wait around to be bought out but

I can't help from flogging Tom Nichols

To Gillingham

(Emlyn) I guess you'd call this relegation 

I lost the Crypto job and a goalie

(Manny) I came out selling

From the League Two basement

Caked in the stench of regret

In a half empty dressing room

And I spent the winter

Trying to recruit a half decent striker

But if I'm being honest

We're going down

(Emlyn) The stream of nonsense in our WhatsApp group triggered by the Crawley story is really nothing new. Back in 2010, when Manny and I were working in our first post-university jobs, we would regularly email each other to fill the days with increasingly terrible amalgamations of sportspeople and themed objects. This reached its nadir with the fruit and veg day when Robbie Cabbage, David Celery and Papaya Ntini were all wheeled out. I don't think we ever merged music groups into the game, but gladly that's now rectified with the Crawley/Wonder Years mash up. To celebrate, I've assembled a Bruce Springsteen XI:

Land Nick Pope and Dreams

Blinded by Ben White

Streets of Phil Jagielka

The Ties Zat Knight

Jonny 99

Rob Lee Jean

Dancing Ji-Sung Park

Paul Ince The USA

The Rivaldo

Willian Disguise

Leroy Lita (Come out Tonight)

I apologise to everyone involved for some of these but won't pretend I'm not thoroughly proud of Streets of Phil Jagielka.

(Manny) I too would like to apologise for the absolute nonsense you may or may not have read through today. Football is a very odd sport these days and the Philadelphia (or should that be Phil Jagielka?) punk scene is equally bizarre. And I’m finding hope, in Tony Craig and Jack Roles, with Scott Lindsey left here to patch the holes.