71: Damien Duff, Blackburn Rovers, Merlin’s Premier League 99 Official Sticker Album

In the face of growing scientific evidence that smoking might be bad for you back in the 1930s the moneymen at Wix Cigarettes decided that drastic action needed to be taken. Rather than pack it all in and admit they had enjoyed a good run they instead turned to England and Everton goal machine William ‘Dixie’ Dean to be the face of their brand. Off the back of his ludicrous efforts in front of goal at Goodison Park the forward informed the general public that if young footballers “keep to Wix they will have no cause to complain that smoking interferes with their overall fitness”. A ringing endorsement if ever there was one but perhaps Dean’s ludicrous career record of 425 goals in 489 games was enough to convince a young Robert Prosinecki that he’d be a better footballer if he kept up his forty a day habit.

Throughout the years footballers have been called upon by advertising agencies to flog whichever proverbial dead horse the companies that have hired them have felt the need to shift. My old man told me that one of his first experiences of football violence came at the hands of furious West Ham United fans who had grown frustrated at the Crystal Palace faithful for instructing legendary skipper Bobby Moore to stick his Vitalis, the hair lotion he was endorsing, up his arse during a post-1966 World Cup friendly. In the halcyon days of the 1990s Gareth Southgate, Chris Waddle and Stuart Pearce were hired by Pizza Hut to advocate drowning your sorrows after missing an important international penalty with a hot circle of cheesy trash whilst Peter Schmeichel was on hand to flog anything from Danepak bacon to Sugar Puffs. Alan Shearer paid for a Big Mac with a cheque much to the delight of a young cashier, Ian Wright performed the Chicken Tonight dance and Gary Lineker pinched Gazza’s crisps. What a time to be alive.

Keen to carry on this trend into the new millennium the likes of Kellogg’s and Persil called on the famously Shakespearian acting skills of Michael Owen to get distracted by cereal and thank his mum for washing his kit. Meanwhile, across the Irish Sea, Hibernian Insurance (Aviva/Norwich Union’s trading name back then) decided that Blackburn Rovers and Republic of Ireland winger Damien Duff was the man to front up their Ignition campaign which provided young drivers with a one-day training course which would, upon completion, lower its customers’ insurance premiums. Duff was clearly a passionate advocate for road safety and counting the pennies as he stated “I‘ve heard enough of my friends complaining about high insurance costs in Ireland, so I am fully behind anything that improves the situation.” At least according to the official press release anyway.

Duff had just helped Blackburn Rovers bounce back to the Premier League and was a key part of the 2002 League Cup winning team alongside Andy Cole, Matt Jansen and Keith Gillespie. It was little surprise that he made the Republic of Ireland’s squad for the 2002 World Cup in Japan and South Korea and, while Roy Keane told Mick McCarthy where to stick the tournament and went home to walk his dog, Duff featured in every game, scored against Saudi Arabia and came home as his nation’s player of the tournament. Within a year Chelsea, awash with Roman Abramovich’s cash, shelled out £17m to bring him to Stamford Bridge where he played a pivotal role in securing the Blues’ a second place finish in the Premier League and a run to the semi-finals of the Champions League.

The arrival of Jose Mourinho in June 2004, and his signing of Arjen Robben, put Duff’s place at risk but the Dutchman’s injury issues and the Irishman’s versatility meant that he was instrumental in securing the Blues a first Premier League title, the League Cup and another Champions League semi-final appearance. Duff scored ten goals, laid on countless others for his teammates and impressed in key games such as the Blues’ victories over Manchester United and Barcelona. Back in Ireland, however, the appointment of ‘The Special One’ provided Today FM’s comic vehicle Gift Grub and, in particular, impressionist Mario Rosenstock with a treasure trove of material. As Chelsea’s only Irishman it was only a matter of time until Duff came into the firing line and, during the build up to Rosenstock’s ‘Jose and His Technicolour Overcoat’ he uttered the line:

“That performance was not special. It made me laugh, and champions should not make me laugh. If I want a laugh, maybe I'll listen to Damien doing a car insurance ad. Damien do it, make me laugh now."

To which his impersonation of Duff replied with limited enthusiasm:

“Hibernian Insurance. Pretty good.”

Thanks to my old man’s family in Ireland Rosenstock’s work was regularly shared and, for the duration of his time at Chelsea, Duff remained the butt of many of his version of Mourinho’s jokes in the skits which eventually grew into the puppet-based show Special 1 TV. After one more season, in which the Blues retained their Premier League title, the winger moved on to Newcastle United where he suffered the indignity of relegation at the end of the 2008/09 season thanks to his unlucky deflection of Gareth Barry’s strike in their final game against Aston Villa. He was quickly snapped up by Roy Hodgson at Fulham where he spent five seasons and helped the side in their impressive run to the Europa League final in 2010. After brief spells in Australia with Melbourne City and Ireland’s Shamrock Rovers he hung up his boots in 2015 after an admirable 632 professional appearances and 83 goals as well as a century of caps for the Boys in Green and appearances at the 2002 World Cup and 2012 European Championships. His acting skills might not have been up to much but it’s fair to say that his football career could be summed up as “pretty good”.