U15: Ibrahima Bakayoko, Everton, Merlin’s Premier League 99 Official Sticker Collection, Transfer Update Edition

Rich Allinson takes a look at a player whose ability and achievements beggar belief. In a world where Dirk Kuyt became a Ballon D’or winner and Charlie Sheringham finally stepped out of his father’s shadow it’s clear that anything is possible. At the same time I’m still smarting from being sacked by MK Dons in 2014 after failing to “consolidate our position in League One” as a result of winning the play-offs. That’s right – it’s a Championship Manager post. Over to Rich.

Here is a post about a man and some binary code. Mention the name Ibrahima Bakayoko to anyone born 1978 - 1990 and their response would likely be along the lines of “Bargain, £7.5m, completed the jigsaw puzzle.” He played for Shrewsbury Town, Leeds United, Grimsby Town, Manchester United and Real Madrid. He was a number 10 long before the nonsensical concept of a ‘number 10’ was invented. Say it like it is: AM/F(C). He was a footballing Santa Claus made real, the moment Championship Manager came to life. 

When Walter Smith signed him for Everton in 1998 everyone was a bit taken aback. I for one was surprised to know he actually existed. In real life Bakayoko’s career seems somewhat nomadic, playing 522 games and scoring 134 goals across 13 clubs in four different countries over a 20-year period. The Ivorian fared well in international football, scoring 22 goals in 40 games which puts him fifth in the Ivory Coast’s all time top scorers list and ahead of Yaya Touré. What was most shocking about Bakayoko’s arrival on Merseyside was that he wasn’t the greatest player that ever laced up a pair of Adidas Copa Mundials. He scored 4 in 23 for the Toffees, far from the 30+ goal machine that led my Bristol Rovers side to back to back Champions League titles. Do I care that he wasn’t actually the new Bobby Charlton? No. Have I used his name as a thinly veiled way to bleat on about my Championship Manager successes? Yes. 

To be fair, Bakayoko probably wouldn’t make my Championship Manager all time greats side. In fact, it is likely that he wouldn’t even make my squad. The first ‘invincible’ side I built was for Blackburn Rovers. However, unlike Arsene Wenger, I didn’t need to introduce broccoli and mineral water to achieve this feat. All I needed to do was make up names like Tyrone Drop-Zone, Dave Bad-Campaign and Trevor Relegation-Fodder, take over as Arsenal, Liverpool and Manchester United managers, release all their best players on free transfers and then sign them all for Uncle Jack’s blue and white army. Were my forward options of Shearer, Fowler, Cantona, Bergkamp, Cole and Batistuta (actually paid for) unrealistic? Absolutely not. Was I bit surprised when Batigol scored 17 in one match against Sunderland? Maybe. Is his end of season tally of 93 goals likely to be beaten in the real world? Possibly not. Did I shed actual tears when my saved game corrupted never to be retrieved? Well, yeah. 

This was my best team without doubt. When the game became a bit more realistic I had to get creative. What I didn’t expect was that I would turn Greg Halford into a Ballon D’Or winner. I signed him for my Glasgow Rangers side from Colchester United as cheap right back cover. An injury crisis led me to bunging him upfront in a Champions League group game. The result? A 45 goal a season man, me getting the England job and Halford being the captain of his national side. He was like Chris Sutton but better. Much better. 

As mentioned, in the days before the internet destroyed humanity and anything could be checked on Google, I had no idea if Ibrahima Bakayoko was real or not. Similarly, I wasn’t aware if my new Grimsby Town striker Tó Madeira was a living, breathing human being. He wasn’t. According to Sport Bible, Madiera was actually a figment of Championship Manager scout Antonio Lopez’s imagination. In fact, rather gloriously, Madiera was a fictional version of Lopez himself. Tó be fair, I did this with myself when there was still the option to add in made up players at the start of a new saved game. It is funny what a centre forward with a 20 rating for everything could achieve in the second tier of English football when supplied by free transfer Steve McManaman. God knows why Steven Bad-Season decided to let McManaman go, but well done to Grimsby Town for picking him up.

If fictional players weren’t enough, I bloody loved a re-gen. Sadly I can’t remember any names but my Leicester City side pissed the Premier League title with a bunch of fabricated players way before Claudio Ranieri got his Dilly Dong out. However a quick Google shows that the likes of Jerónimo, Gonzalo Gonzalez Gonzalez, and the centre back Mark de Mann have always been fan favourites. It is absolute genius really. 

In short, Championship Manger was and still is the greatest thing ever. I still play it now on occasions, although I don’t pull all-nighters in an attempt to claim UEFA Cup glory with Bradford City like I did in the 90s. Unbelievably I do still possess copies of CM from 1993-2004. If another national Covid-19 lockdown comes in I know what I’m doing.

And as for Mr Bakayoko? Other than the bizarre fact that he is leaning against a mossy tree trunk in his official Merlin sticker photo I don’t know much more about him than what you can get off Wikipedia. Sorry.