393: Dirk Kuyt, Liverpool, Topps Match Attax Trading Card Game, 2009/10


At the time of writing it remains unclear whether Liverpool will end their thirty year wait to secure the league title. For the majority of this bizarre season it appeared that nothing would stop them in their relentless march to glory, perhaps except Watford, and we would be subject to endless reminders of how lucky we were to be alive in a time of such heroes as Adam Lallana, Adrian and Nathaniel Clyne. I’ll stop being sour about the inevitable now. Or smug if it doesn’t happen.


Rewinding to a simpler time when the hopes of Liverpool winning the Premier League rested on such luminaries as Emiliano Insua, Andriy Voronin and Lucas Leiva I decided to take on the role of Liverpool’s manager on Football Manager ’08. Bolstered by the signing of a young Gareth Bale from Tottenham and a bizarre glitch that made Fabio Aurelio the greatest dead ball specialist in world football my Liverpool team marched to Premier League and Champions League glory on numerous occasions. A worrying omen for the future.

The driving force behind this unprecedented period of success on Merseyside was the strike partnership of Peter Crouch and Dirk Kuyt. Crouch scored from literally every corner that reached the front post and recorded back to back 35 goal seasons in all competitions but this was nothing compared to his Dutch strike partner. In the 2009/10 season, the club’s first at ‘New Anfield’, Kuyt racked up an incredible 45 goals in all competitions as the club finished the season unbeaten at home and took home the Premier League and Champions League titles. The Dutchman unsurprisingly won that year’s Ballon D’or.

The paper thin walls of student housing meant that you could overhear some interesting things in the early hours of the morning. In the case of the residents of 69 Victoria Street in Exeter these rarely got more exciting than singing along with the gloomy backing vocals of Gordon from Bloc Party. That was until Dirk Kuyt scored four goals to turn a 3-1 aggregate deficit against Arsenal in the Champions League semi-final into a 7-6 victory. All together now: DIRK KUYT!

After graduation, and ninety unsuccessful job applications, the first taste of disposable income led some of us to the dubious decision to collect the Match Attax cards for that season. Swapping cards would provide us with a reason to meet up and, without the constraints of pocket money, we would surely have no issues completing the collection. However, “the best laid schemes o’ mice and men gang aft a-gley”.

We did pretty well in our attempts, despite the multiple appearances of Nigel Reo-Coker, and the excitement of a ‘shiny’ remained undimmed. Best of all were the ‘Man of the Match’ cards which is where we find the hero of this story Dirk Kuyt. What match of the 2008/09 season he won this accolade for remains a mystery but his tireless work rate and knack for scoring important goals in real life suggest that it was a deserved reward. Not quite the Ballon D’or but there we go.

Kuyt racked up 71 goals for Liverpool during his time at the club and has been fondly remembered for his down to earth attitude and effort on the pitch. Although he never tasted Premier League glory in real life, his career in the alternate reality that is Football Manager ’08 brought him all the accolades that world football had to offer. And that’s the real quiz.

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