A Sticker's Worth 500 Words

If you’ve ever had the pleasure, or agony, of experiencing your team going through the play-offs you’ll understand that those three extra games at the end of the season always seem to manage to pack in all of the drama of the previous forty-six. As a Palace fan these games have some very happy memories. David Hopkin’s last minute hit-and-hope lob to get us promoted in 1997 ; Neil Shipperley bundling home from one yard out against West Ham United in 2004; Kevin Phillips ’ exceptional penalty to send us up in 2013. Conversely, there’s been a lot of heartache. Steve Claridge’s shin volley in the last minute of extra time in 1996 genuinely reduced me to tears. In my defence I was only seven. And in 2008 Ben Watson ’s penalty miss and a Lee Trundle strike saw us knocked out in the semi-finals, once again in extra time. Once I’d recovered from the disappointment I remember genuinely looking forward to that year’s play-off final due to the fact that whoever won out of Bristol City and Hull C...

Today Rich Allinson guides us through the career of a man whose actions in the France 98 World Cup have been remembered by football fans around the world. Long before Zinedine Zidane exited the stage by head butting Marco Materazzi, today’s subject was taking brutality to new levels by bicycle kicking a Tunisian opponent in the face. No booking. No VAR interventions. Halcyon days. Over to Rich. “Quickly Kevin, will he score?” “Yes... oh no.” Now, Brian Moore was an exceptional commentator but that was a daft question. Kevin Keegan had no choice but to answer in the affirmative when what he was probably thinking, like the rest of the nation, was “probably not, but fair play to him for having the bollocks to step up.” It would be easy to look back on David Batty’s career and think “hard man, not much skill” and a lot of people would point to this penalty miss and his goalscoring record of 8 goals in 438 league games as evidence of his technical limitations, but quite frankly they’d be wr...

Emlyn Jones looks into the perils of international management today with a look at a man who gave a whole raft of talented youngsters their first caps at the same time as alienating a patient and patriotic public. Maybe this was unfair, Simon Davies really wasn’t that bad, but then again some of today’s subject’s leftfield motivational techniques weren’t ones that his successors would repeat in a hurry. Over to Emlyn. Supporting Wales has been quite enjoyable in recent years. A semi-final in 2016, Euro 2020/21 to look forward to, and currently atop their Nations League group unbeaten. Even prior to the current generation, near misses against Russia and top level players have made following the nation as it punches above its weight a great deal of fun. Growing up in the 90s, it was a very different matter. Despite phenomenal players, such as Southall , Giggs, and Saunders, Wales were, to put it politely, really quite shit. Who was tasked with trying to fix things? Bobby Gould was appo...

  Mat Jolin-Beech takes niche football knowledge to new heights today with a look at a man who is so obscure the only sticker or card I could find for him was a Subbuteo Squads card . Sadly we have another story of an egotistical Liverpool striker ruining a young man’s career and this time Neville Southall was nowhere to be seen. Apart from when the hugely significant goal went in. Over to Mat. The other week, when lockdown was still in place and WhatsApp group chats were the main source of human interaction, we here at A Sticker’s Worth 500 Words had some football trivia going around. One of the questions was to name the youngest Premier League goal scorer for the following clubs: Arsenal, Chelsea, Everton, Leicester City, Liverpool, Manchester City, Manchester United, Newcastle United, Tottenham Hotspur and West Ham United.   Some of these came flying straight off the bat and are part of the immediate collective knowledge. Michael Owen (Liverpool), Federico Macheda (Man U)...

Back in March in the early days of lockdown the idea that we could come up with one hundred footballing heroes to write nonsense about was unimaginable. What the four of us found was that every story we came across got us thinking and talking about equally interesting or farcical tales from the beautiful game’s recent past and so here we are. To celebrate we have embarked on a bit of a vanity project and had ourselves immortalised by the wonderful No Score Draws (formerly known as Panini Cheapskates) who have brought a sense of fun to the last few major international tournaments, celebrated obscure club legends from around the world and generally made Twitter a much nicer place. Check out their range of team drawings, or maybe get your own portrait done, here . In the meantime here is a little bit more about our own (distinct lack of) footballing pedigree. Enjoy! Manny Hawks Position(s): Fullback; centre midfielder; goalkeeper Clubs: Lewisham Youth, Elms, Our Lady and St Philip Neri R...

Frank Lampard’s first season in charge at Chelsea was presented as a huge success by many pundits and, by most club’s standards, it was. A fourth place finish in the Premier League was backed up with a run to the FA Cup final. Even more impressively Lampard achieved all of this despite a transfer embargo being in place against the Blues leaving the rookie manager to rely on similarly inexperienced players in key positions. Add in the returning hero narrative and you’re presented with a wholesome footballing story to warm the cockles of every neutral’s heart. Unless you mention that Chelsea were able to bring back a plethora of young talent that they had spent the last few years farming out on loan to Vitesse Arnhem to circumnavigate the transfer ban. Or the fact that Lampard had effectively had a year’s work experience at Derby County where he’d had first choice of Chelsea’s up and coming stars to take on loan. Or the fact that we’re talking about Chelsea here. And Frank Lampard. As wi...

  Unlike the rest of us at A Sticker’s Worth 500 Words Mat Jolin-Beech is an actual journalist who, as you will see, has met some very interesting and famous people during his career. I’ve got a lot of time for today’s subject as a former Palace star and devotee of waistcoats even if he doesn’t pick (insert name here) who has been pulling up trees for (insert club here) for the England team. After all, we’re all human. Apart from Mat who is clearly a secret celebrity.   *warning* There are going to be many shameless namedrops in this piece. *warning over*   My career has taken me to some interesting places, covering some interesting things. Well, that should be ‘interesting’. I’ve been on a Channel cruise for the naming ceremony for a new P&O ferry and met Dame Kelly Holmes (namedrop one) and the Independent’s travel editor Simon Calder (namedrop two). I’ve been to Deal Castle to witness Alexander Armstrong and Ben Miller (three and four) attempting to fire Pukka Pies...

  In case it escaped your notice Liverpool won the Premier League last season. It was the first time in thirty years that the Reds had claimed the top prize in English football and, in fairness, they won it a canter playing high energy attacking football that, at times, made you feel sorry for their opponents. That being said it didn’t make any of the ‘greatest Premier League team of all time’ chat and gushing punditry any less annoying. In fact, despite their deserved success and the painfully long wait their fans endured, it made those of us disposed towards any other club long for simpler times when Liverpool appeared slightly more human. In the 2008/09 season Liverpool finished second in the Premier League, reached the quarter-finals of the Champions League, beating Real Madrid 5-0 on aggregate in the process, and only lost five games in all competitions. Steven Gerrard scored 24 goals from midfield while Fernando Torres chipped in with 17 and Dirk Kuyt 15. However, they finis...

Today Mat Jolin-Beech takes a look at a man who scored 375 goals in a career which took in some of the biggest clubs in Europe. Transfer windows can produce some great stories and the desire for a prolific striker is something we can all relate to. Especially those of us who have had front row seats for the decline of Christian Benteke over the last few years. Over to Mat. The late 90s and early noughties were a golden era for the Premier League. As a Manchester United fan, we had one of our greatest ever teams, with THAT night in Barcelona and Ole becoming a legend, but there were great stories across the division. Arsene Wenger had turned Arsenal from a mid-table cup team (this sounds very familiar) into title challengers (and winners) who played some great football. Dennis Bergkamp and that goal against Newcastle in the 2001/02 season were something else. Kevin Keegan was having his meltdown as Newcastle United strived to break the big time. Leeds United had their financial implo...